Jokes and stuff..

This Section contains funny compositions passed to me by e-mail..

 

LAUGH OUT LOUD!!

THIRDY LOPEZ

 

 

Why I had to fire my secretary.
> Two weeks ago was my 45th birthday and I wasn't feeling too good that
> morning. I went to breakfast knowing my wife would be pleasant and
> say, > "Happy Birthday!", and probably have a present for me.
> As it turned out, she didn't even say good morning, let alone any
> happy > birthday. I thought, well, that's wives for you, the children will remember.
> The children came in to breakfast and didn't say a word. So when I left for
> the office, I was feeling pretty low and despondent.
> As I walked into my office, my secretary Janet said, "Good morning,
> Boss,
> "Happy Birthday". And I felt a little better that someone had remembered.
> I worked until noon, then Janet knocked on my door and said, "You know, > it's such a beautiful day outside, and it's your birthday, let's go to > lunch, just you and me". I said, "By George, that's the greatest thing I've
> heard all day.
>
> "Let's go!" We went to lunch. We didn't go where we normally go;
> instead > we went out into the country to a private little place. We had two martinis
> and enjoyed lunch tremendously.
>
> On the way back to the office, she said, "You know, it's such a
> beautiful > day. We don't need to go back to the office, do we?" I said, "No, I guess
> not."
>
> She said, "Let's go to my apartment."
>
> After arriving at her apartment she said, "Boss, if you don't mind, I
> think I'll go into the bedroom and slip into something more comfortable" >
> "Sure!" I excitedly replied.
>
> She went into the bedroom and, in about six minutes, she came out
> carrying a huge birthday cake . . . . . . . .
> followed by my wife, children, and dozens of our friends, all singing
> Happy Birthday.
> And I just sat there .....
> ... on the couch.......
> ..naked.

 

MAHIRAP LAHAT
Sa UP, mahirap ang Math.
Sa Ateneo, mahirap ang English.
Sa La Salle, mahirap ang parking.
Sa Assumption, mahirap ang walang pera.
Sa UST, mahirap umuwi kapag baha.
Sa St. Scho, mahirap sumakay sa LRT
Sa San Beda, mahirap maging lalaki.

THE RANGE OF 8 INCHES LONG.

THE FUNCTIONING OF WHICH IS

ENJOYED BY MEMBERS OF

BOTH SEXES. IS USUALLY FOUND HUNG, DANGLING READY

LOOSLEY FOR INSTANT ACTION.

IT BOASTS OF A CLUMP OF

LITTLE HAIRY THINGS

AT ONE END AND SMALL

HOLE AT THE OTHER. IN USE, IT

IS INSERTED, ALMOST

ALWAYS

WILLINGLY, SOMETIMES SLOWLY,

SOMETIMES QUICKLY,

INTO A WARM,

FLESHY, MOIST OPENING WHERE

IT IS THRUST IN AND DRAWN

OUT AGAIN AND AGAIN MANY

TIMES IN SUCCESSION,

OFTEN QUICKLY

AND ACCOMPANIED BY

SQUIRMING BODILY MOVEMENTS.

ANYONE FOUND

LISTENING IN WILL MOST SURELY

RECOGNIZE THE RHYTHMIC,

PULSING

SOUND, RESULTING FROM THE

WELL LUBRICATED

MOVEMENTS. WHEN

FINALLY WITHDRAWN, IT LEAVES

BEHIND A JUICY,

FROTHY, WHITE STICKY

SUBSTANCE, SOME OF WHICH WILL

NEED CLEANING FROM

THE OUTER

SURFACES OF THE OPENING AND

SOME OF FROM ITS LONG

GLISTENING

SHAFT. AFTER EVERYTHING IS

DONE AND THE FLOWING

AND CLEANSING

LIQUIDS HAVE CEASED

EMANATING, IT IS RETURNED

TO ITS FREELY

HANGING STATE OF REST, READY

YET FOR ANOTHER BIT OF

ACTION,

HOPEFULLY REACHING ITS

BRISTLING CLIMAX TWICE

OR THREE TIMES A

DAY, BUT OFTEN MUCH LESS.

WHAT AM I???????

AS YOU MAY HAVE ALREADY

GUESSED, THE

ANSWER ! TO THE RIDDLE IS

NONE OTHER THAN YOUR VERY OWN..........

TOOTHBRUSH.........


Classy things to say when stressed

1. "Okay, okay! I take it back. Unfuck you!!!"

2.. "You say I'm a bitch like it's a bad thing?!"

3. "How many times do I have to flush before you go away?"

4. "Well this day was a total waste of make-up"

5. "Well aren't we a bloody ray of sunshine?"

6. "Don't bother me, I'm living happily ever after."

7. "Do I look like a fucking people person!"

8. "This isn't an office. It's HELL with fluorescent lighting"

9. "I started out with nothing still have most of it left"

10. "I pretend to work, they pretend to pay me"

11. "YOU!!... off my planet!!!"

12. "Therapy is expensive. Popping bubble plastic is cheap. You hoose"

13. "Practice random acts of intelligence and senseless acts of
self-control"

14. "Errors have been made. Others will be blamed"

15. "And your cry-baby, whiny-assed opinion would be.....?"

16. "I'm not crazy. I've been in a very bad mood for 30 years."

17. "Sarcasm is just one more service I offer."

18. "Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed"

19. "Do they ever shut up on your planet?"

20. "I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable"

21. "Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realise you haven't
gone to sleep yet"

22. "Back off!! You're standing in my aura."

23. "Don't worry. I forgot your name too."

24. "I just want revenge. Is that so wrong?"

25. "I work 45 hours a week to be this poor."

26. "Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it."

27. "Not all men are annoying. Some are dead."
28. "Wait...I'm trying to imagine you with a personality"

29. "Chaos, panic and disorder . . . my work here is done."

30. "Ambivalent? Well yes and no."

31. "You look like shit. Is that the style now?"

32. "Earth is full. Go home."

33. "Aw, did I step on your poor little bitty ego?"

34. "I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert."

35. "A hard-on doesn't count as personal growth."

36. "You are depriving some village of an idiot."

37. "If assholes could fly, this place would be an airport"

> Slap the atenista

A Bedista, an Assumptionista, an Atenista, and a La Sallite were
> sitting in a train. The train suddenly goes thru a tunnel and it
> gets completely dark. Suddenly there is a kissing sound and then
> a hard lap! The train comes out of the tunnel. The Assumptionista
> and the Bedista are sitting there looking perplexed. The Atenista
> is bent over holding his face, which is red from an apparent slap.
> All of them remain diplomatic and nobody says anything.
>
> Bedista (concerned) is thinking: "That Atenean is bastos. He must
> have tried to kiss the Assumptionista in the tunnel. Very proper
> that She slapped him."
>
> Assumptionista (kilig) is thinking: "That Atenista must have moved
> to kiss me, but kissed the Bedista by mistake and got slapped."
>
> Atenista (shocked) is thinking: "Damn it, that over-sexed Bedista
> must have tried to kiss the Assumptionista, she thought it was me
> and slapped me instead."
>
> La Sallite (poker-faced) is thinking: "If this train goes through
> another tunnel, I could make another kissing sound and slap the
> Atenista again."

ANIMO